17 years to the day - A hard road travelled and a part of who I am xx

It is Saturday now the boys have gone camping and I have been rostered on to work  in the mornings so I wanted to start this post now this afternoon between playing on the internet and doing my own housework and cleaning, I also decided to make some Pumpkin soup for my dinner so I had better start it now before I get stuck into this..

At about 3 years old he has car sick bands on

It has been 17 years to the day since my baby of 5 years old got called back home it is a time of reflection of thinking about who he was a little bundle of joy that loved to take risks at his tender age he was so full of life and got up to all sorts of mischief he loved the outdoors and got into a lot of things as soon as he could walk he was climbing the woodshed at age 2, not to mention the wheelbarrow full of wood, he was climbing out the bedroom window or trying at the age of 3 he even ran away from home once looking for his dad that had taken his sister for a drive in the ute he was found at the nursery for the lady lived up the road from us and seen him wandering so took him back to her work place which was a garden place not far from home, boy did I go into a panic then for you only have to turn your back for a minute and the adventure begins for your toddler. He loved to jump and play on the lounge he was so lively and always had a smile..
I've just been going through what is left of the short life of Phillip for all I have that remains is left in a box it has the sympathy cards, his school work and little bits and pieces of art he made at school or pre-school the newspaper with one of the stories in it of his passing, his birth record book, his death certificate and coroner report plus I have his school bag which has his little wallet, it still has a dollar in it 5 x 20cent pieces, a knitted monkey and octopus I made for him, a bicycle helmet some PJ's and a few little toys. I don't pull these things out very often for in my cupboard they remain.. Also there is a book his little classmates made for us after his passing.

Here was one newspaper article I think there was another but didn't get a copy it doesn't quite tell all of what happened as it wasn't the branch that struck Phillip but the whole tree as I heard that tree bounce of my son's head while I was keeping my 2 year old busy in our vehicle, when I went over to him I let out this guttural scream that I hope never have to do again and he was just laying there perfect with no blood on him or anything I remember looking up skywards at the trees as I screamed, for I knew it was too late..

Reflecting on the accident and thinking of all the events that led up to Phillips time to return home, he knew he was going I think I've told this story before but will add it again .. I have been reading about our soul pre-birth plan a book by Robert Schwartz and I believe that this was planned by my sons soul but I also had a part in this plan for I also sub consciously knew it as well the reason I say this is because of little things I remember like praying to God when he was 20 days old and in having a hernia operation after he was left a bit limp and had bile coming out of his mouth as the hernia was blocking his bowel he was sent straight down to Melbourne children's hospital while he was in surgery I remember asking god not to take him just yet at least let him go to school and learn how to write his name and that is how far he got before his call home came. Phillip also knew before hand his time was up for he told me so when I asked him a question I had read in a magazine some one had asked their kids about a new baby of which I really did want to add to our family so I asked him this "If we have another baby where do you think he could sit like in the car and where would this baby sleep?'" Phillip then explains to me "that the baby could have his place because he wasn't going to be here" he said it with such a straight innocent and serious voice" I don't think I said anything at the time just filed it away for later but I can still clearly see him sitting on that chair near the kitchen table as he said it.. There was also the incident of my other baby of 2  years old waking up screaming about Phillip and a tree he done this on 2 or 3 different nights, the boys shared the same room so they would of both been getting messages from the angels I believe. Then on that afternoon of the accident when we had finished lunch at my parents we both hoped in the 2 different vehicles my 2 eldest hoped in the car with their Nan and Pop to go and get the second load of wood and I was strapping the 2 year old into his baby seat and he was really screaming for his brother Phillip which he had never done before it was a bit of a panicky scream because he knew what was about to happen for he seen it in his dreams. I also knew of our soul plan because of that feeling of dread I had for months coming up to that day of course at the time I had no idea or maybe I did as I kept praying for nothing to happen to any of my kids as not long before a school friends sister had lost a baby to Sids I think I had that feeling of dread as if something was going to happen so thinking back and reflecting my soul knew of this plan that Phillip wouldn't be here for long just by the events that happened leading up to and even on the day of the accident when Phillip was sitting in our car for the first load of wood I looked back and seen his aura shining and thought to myself how angelic he looked all these images and events are clear in my mind as when you lose a child all these little events replay over in your mind and it is like a slow running movie, but you tend to push that down into the never never land of your soul just so it doesn't hurt when you think about it, that is how you cope with such traumatic events or that is how I coped over the last 17 years, you can go about your daily business and do what you have to do as long as those emotions are filed away in a place that doesn't hurt you. We all cope differently to things that stress us out a lot turn to alcohol, drugs or some other addictions just so they don't have to face that pain. I guess I just filed it away in the back of my mind and soul and worked my way through it from within so silently as I never ask for help with any of my emotions I can tell you now my heart was closed it wasn't until a few years ago it fully opened again so I could feel not only my emotions but I have become more sensitive and pick up on everyone else's. I am empathetic I know I always have been but I think I filed that away as well and blocked it off as a child maybe because I couldn't work out why I had all these feelings and being shy was my protective wall against saying what I felt but also having to deal with others energy and emotions..
I will close it off there as I don't want to think about it any more and I am feeling a bit tired and teary..

Phillip 14 months a Christmas shot and Jessica

I hope you have enjoyed meeting my little boy and ball of energy that he was and still is.. I do love him so much still with all my heart for he is a part of my soul make up as are all of your own kids.. When a mother loses a child a piece of her soul goes back to spirit with that child that has crossed over to home.. it does leave a gapping hole in your heart that will never be filled, comfort does come in knowing where our souls go and that we will meet up again when it is my time to end.. The pain of losing a child is one that is so unbearable when it happens you become numb of all feelings and just go about your day in auto pilot for you know you can't stop even though your own world just did the day your babies spirit went away. You learn to live with the loss of a child but it is something that never goes away others don't know how it feels unless of course they have been through it themselves it is a pain I wish on no-one but I know it is a part of life and also a part of our own soul growth for it does bring a lot of parents closer to their own spirituality which is a reason why it happens, but from the soul of the child that has left early it means  their soul lessons are done on earth and some only come to experience the birthing process or a very short time on earth as the soul sometimes changes it's plan and needs to return home it is all fascinating stuff but it does scare a lot of people and brings out fear in them when you talk about spiritual and spooky stuff like this as a part of that is our human brain is not conditioned to think this way for we have been conditioned since birth to have different belief's.. Some even think you are nuts or from out of space in reality we all are for the universe is bigger then a human mind could comprehend and it is all part of the universal energy system that keeps us all alive..  I should also mention how hard it was for us to have to celebrate my daughters 7th Birthday the day before we had to bury my son it must of been hard on her as she also witnessed the whole accident and she was with him till the end she was his soulmate as they never left each others side they were 15 months apart.. I forgot to also mention that my 2 yr old seen his brothers spirit up on the roof above his coffin on the day we went to view him and say another goodbye I took the 2 kids along so they knew for themselves where their brother was. I was holding my two year olds hand as we stood beside the coffin and my little son points up to the roof and says "what is Phillip doing on the roof" he wasn't tall enough to see in the coffin so that is not what he saw and I don't remember if he did look in he may of put a little present in the coffin as we left the viewing area (which was after he said that) it was on the Tuesday I think the day before Jessica's b'day.. I don't remember all details (most of the following weeks drew a blank) I do remember everything I felt as when you think about it in the following years they do all come back up, I do know I didn't want to eat or sleep just cry when no one was around, we did spend a lot of time at my parents place as that is where the community were bringing down food and things of comfort for us and we didn't have to face home without him there we done this for a few months I think ..

My little angel with strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes..

a little ball of energy and fun..

love you baby till the day I die

xxx

On the 10th year anniversary I did make this scrapbook page I was a keen

scrap booker I haven't done it for a while too busy..

When Phillip died I listened to Mariah Carey's "Music Box CD" over and over all the  time it seemed to soothe my soul as nearly every song touched on how I was feeling..  I still can remember all those feelings I was having when listening to the tracks now so I do try not to, as I did pack it away for years I forgot I even had the  CD until I was reminded of it one day..

I will never forget you was also a very strong indication of

what I was feeling..

Without you - Mariah Carey

As she sings these words I did

remember my son bounding through

the door as he come home from school.

I also remember feeling how I didn't

want to go on with life either..

I knew I could not escape

because I had a family

to look after, I wasn't

worried about my welfare

at all as long as my

family were fed and looked

after I could wait.

I finally came out of that

slumber a couple of years

ago when my heart re-opened

I know why it did but that will

be another chapter of my life

if I have faith in what may

be, my dreams always have

come true so faith is what

I will cling to but my soul

is still missing you..

so I do feel alone a lot

of the time for the love

I feel is so intense..

love you always.

xxx